College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
