Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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