I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
