at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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