im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I just had sex on a roof
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
