At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
