Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
