just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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