There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
