just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Randomize
