I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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