I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
