If i could tip my vagina, i would.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
