I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
