Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
