I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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