Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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