"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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