First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
