apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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