Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
