Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Randomize
