I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
