So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
he had hair everywhere except his balls
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
