She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
And then he peed in my hair
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