Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
