had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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