She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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