when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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