If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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