I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I stole a fireplace last night.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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