everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
