It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
