do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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