the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
