Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
