im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
