I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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