u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
