your parents love me but you hate me
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
