You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
