dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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