I wish my penis had an off switch
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
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