so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
