my soul wont recognize me after tonight
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
