When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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