My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
