i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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