It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
