I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
