I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
