my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
