I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
