Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
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