I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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