Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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