If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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