Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
