If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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